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May. 25th, 2009 | 04:00 am

Zander and I don't think alike at all. I don't even know how we ever got together in the first place and managed to stay together for 2 years. It's so fucking hard to connect with him as friends. I'm like this 4 year old kid and he's like this 14 year old teen.

He said that he doubts we'll be friends forever. :(


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May. 24th, 2009 | 11:45 am

I just remembered that I vowed to keep off alcohol except for the occassional glass of wine, and now it's even more clear why.

I've had worse feeling hangovers, but what makes this the worst overall is that last night, I made such a fool of myself. And when I realized this this morning, I thought, oh it's good that I wont have to see these people for a while, until I remembered that I have a birthday to attend to tomorrow night which involves a lot of the same people that is almost impossible to avoid. I am extremely dehydrated, but nothing seems to be able to sit in my stomach long enough.

This beats hitting on my uncle's cousin at his wedding. What I had been dreading about yesterday was actually possibly seeing her again. But she did not come.


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Just like a dream

May. 15th, 2009 | 08:48 pm

There's this girl who's got the most beautiful spirit I've ever encountered in my life. She's the kind of girl who'd drive across 2 states in one go, after a long night of work and a day of exams just to see you and hang out. She smells of vanilla and heaven. Maybe I already wrote about her, maybe I haven't, but I think about her every now and then. It was her birthday recently and I called her just like she did me on mine. I left her a voice message, which wasn't as creative as the one she had left me; just a "just wanted to say happy birthday and I love you."

I dream of saving her from a wasted life. I dream of taking her away to Spain, for us to start over and live a beautiful life there. I dream of all kinds of things, but I never seem to believe anything with her to be possible. I long for her, and it's so confusing because I really want this other life, that completely negates any direction towards a life with her, to work out.

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May. 6th, 2009 | 05:26 am

I have an Administrative Assistant job interview on Thursday. It's in an advertising agency, so I guess it should be okay. I just hope that I won't faint in all my nervousness.

I wrote Dana a poem on the back of this black and white photograph I took of a roof with birds perched on it. It was one of the two copies I was able to print myself using the dark room and photolab in my old school. I guess it's my favorite work, aside from the many portraits I took of my ex. I spent a couple of hours browsing through poetry to find something that will both suit the image and express my love and I stumbled upon an old favorite that didn't quite apply to my feelings for Dana. However, it did apply to my feelings for Carly... which is just crazy, idealistic, and inappropriate to share with anybody. Anyway, After going through various sources off and online, I decide to write one of my own. I wrote it on the back of the photograph, but ultimately screwed up the whole thing after cutting the edges horribly.

I am so sleepy. It's 5:25am and I have to b up by 8. My body feels like it's going to collapse.


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Losing Hope

May. 2nd, 2009 | 05:13 am

Not knowing when I'll be able to wake up next to him again is becoming unbearable. The distance between us is increasing, and in these times, I'm starting to lose hope in the idea that we'll be able to come up with something to keep us together. I miss him terribly. I wonder if he loves me enough to stick this through.


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The Navy

Apr. 29th, 2009 | 03:17 am

I have this overwhelming desire to join the navy. Right now it just seems like it would greatly increase my overall life satisfaction. I feel the need to be disciplined, to have some organized purpose. This purpose I don't quite understand, but it's a purpose nonetheless. I really crave this excitement in my veins. I need it to keep me from sulking my life away. I'm tired of this mundane existence. I'm tired of breathing the same boring air. I wish I could just get up and walk away from everything and everyone that I care about for a while, put that life on hold and just join the navy. I want to so bad. So bad.

If I had three wishes that could be granted, I'd wish to be enlisted RIGHT NOW.

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Apr. 28th, 2009 | 01:19 am

There are some feelings that I feel like I shouldn't be feeling. I shouldn't be feeling deepressed everytime I talk to my mother. I shouldn't be having such a great desire to kill myself everytime I hang up the phone after talking to her. I shouldn't start believing that every failed relationship she's had over the span of my life is not her fault. I shouldn't feel so nauseous everytime she expresses how much she wants us to live together. I shouldn't want to be as far as I can from her. I shouldn't want out. I shouldn't be tired of her. I shouldn't. I shouldn't want my own life. I owe her everything.


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Industrial Music & Women?!

Apr. 26th, 2009 | 09:36 pm

I am a little bit troubled that the two things that turn me on the most are industrial music and women.


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I wonder who

Apr. 26th, 2009 | 04:23 am

I have an imaginary brother who is 12 years old.

It's 4am and my mom just called asking me whether I used the extention to her credit card to purchase something online in Game Link. I just googled it and its some kind of porn site? WTF.

Anyway, she said she's going to block the card and I said okay. I put the phone beside Matthew, my imaginary brother, and said out loud, "Pick up if Mom calls."

Am I insane?


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Xanga on Alex

Apr. 25th, 2009 | 12:56 am

Reading my old xanga site, I found something about a guy I had a crush on in my English class, first quarter in college. His name's Alex. I saw him walking to class in the rain one day and I offered him a space under my umbrella. I wish I could remember his last name so I could look him up and see if he's still a cutie.


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